Choosing To Have Kids Or Not



Culture tells us that you go to college, you find the man of your dreams, you get married, you have kids, and you live happily ever after. Or at least that’s our world as I understood it.

I started to do just that.

I was in college, was dating a guy I thought I loved (ehh wrong), talked to him about us getting married and having kids, then realized… Holy shit, I don’t actually love this guy like I thought I did. So what happens? We break up and the vicious cycle continues. I find another guy I thought I loved (this time I actually really did love this one), but he doesn’t love me back. Womp womp.

The moral of those love (or love-less) stories is that I thought I was trying to take my next step in life. But I was really taking someone else’s. No one had ever actually told me I had to do it that way, but that’s how I always thought it was supposed to go down.

I touch on that a little in my blog post Momma Knows Best, But You Don’t Have To Listen To Her where you find out that I have now found the love of my life (I promise, this time it’s for real). But now it’s like where do we go from here?

So in order to move forth with that relationship (aka get married) he and I need to figure some things out first. Like… Do we want kids?

Yes. Kids.

Holy shit.

I mean I can barely take care of myself and my dog at the age of 25. And I can’t possibly know when OR if I’ll ever want children.

So WTF do I do?!

I could marry Kris (that’s the boyfriend’s name) tomorrow if we actually lived in the same state (that’s a whole ‘nother story), but before we even attempt to go down that road we HAVE to discuss this kid thing. So we did.

He’s a “probably not, don’t necessarily want to” kind of guy.

I’m an “I don’t think I want to, but how the hell could I know what I’ll want years from now”?

And I don’t.

I have absolutely no idea if I want children or not. I’m pretty sure (at least for now) that I don’t want kids. But I cannot look at someone with a straight face and say I’ll never have children. I just can’t.

But what gets me every time is that people outside of our immediate family ask when/if we’re going to have children. That’s an automatic, “I think you should have children” question.

Back up, yo!

Me choosing to have kids or not choosing, or hell not even knowing for sure what I want to do about kids is not your problem.

At the end of the day I’m choosing. I’m choosing what I want (or in this case, not knowing what I want).

With the help and understanding of Kris, his mom, and my sister, they have all made me realize what matters is that he and I are on the same page. No matter what that page is. If it makes sense to us, then that’s what it’ll be. If we choose to not have kids, then turn around in 10 years and have kids, then that’s what we’ll do.

Culture and the past way of doing things will not define me and how I live my life. I want what’s best for me and my significant other. I don’t want to try and please anyone else. I don’t want to do what everyone’s doing because that’s the way it’s always been done.

Have the bravery to speak up and decide for yourself what you want. Or hell, have the bravery to say, “You know what, no I don’t know what I want.” Don’t think you have to choose something because that’s how it’s supposed to happen.

March to your own drum and have a drink while you’re at it.






Say What You Want

It took me a while to decide to start a blog. I mean, did I really want to share everything with everyone? And how would I know if people would even read it? Well, the important part is that I realized none of that was important. This blog was for me and no one else. I talk a lot about that in my first post, How to Title a Blog.

Anyway, I recently had a friend ask me for advice about her blog. She used to write one then found herself questioning it and stopped. Why? She found that she wanted to write things, but felt like she couldn’t, like she was holding back. Both of us agreed we’re open books, but were we really if we weren’t putting it ALL out there?

I just so happened to watch a movie shortly after that conversation called Ask Me Anything, a movie about a girl who anonymously wrote a blog. (It’s a pretty raunchy movie, so watch at your own risk.) I loved how honest and open she was about her life, but came to realize that she had to be anonymous to write those things.

The conversation with my friend and this movie really had me thinking how unfortunate it is that so many people have to filter what they post on blogs, Facebook, Twitter, or any form of social media without being ridiculed in some way. Granted, I get that I can’t talk about super personal things in my life on this blog due to my job. I understand that I am a representative of the organization I work for and all other things I’m involved in within the community. I get it. But it’s still unfortunate for me and for everyone else.

Every day people fight on Facebook because someone posted something someone else disagreed with. That’s all fine and dandy if you disagree, but aren’t we all entitled to our own opinions? Who are you to ridicule someone for what they say, it’s their opinion. If it’s not affecting you, let it be.

If I could, I would be so bluntly honest on this blog, but I can’t. I can’t talk about sex, I can’t talk about doing stupid things when I’m drunk, I can’t talk about all the most interesting yet most provocative topics in today’s society.

What I have found is that there are people in this world willing to do this without any reservations: Lena Dunham, Amy Poehler, Mindy Kaling, Chelsea Handler, and so many more. My hat’s off to women like these who have the balls to put their lives and careers (sometimes) on the line to talk about things not everyone is willing to talk about. They get ridiculed every single day for what they talk about, yet they still share their lives with us, complete strangers.

So what if we were all a little bit more brave? Whether it’s you speaking up in a conversation, posting something you feel very strongly about, whatever it may be, ask yourself, “What if I was just a little bit more brave than I was yesterday?” What do you think would happen? The world itself would not stop, I promise you that. And you will not be praised by every person who comes in contact with it. But that’s not what this is about.

This is about YOU speaking up and saying what YOU want to say.

Don’t you think it’s time you did?