Culture tells us that you go to college, you find the man of your dreams, you get married, you have kids, and you live happily ever after. Or at least that’s our world as I understood it.
I started to do just that.
I was in college, was dating a guy I thought I loved (ehh wrong), talked to him about us getting married and having kids, then realized… Holy shit, I don’t actually love this guy like I thought I did. So what happens? We break up and the vicious cycle continues. I find another guy I thought I loved (this time I actually really did love this one), but he doesn’t love me back. Womp womp.
The moral of those love (or love-less) stories is that I thought I was trying to take my next step in life. But I was really taking someone else’s. No one had ever actually told me I had to do it that way, but that’s how I always thought it was supposed to go down.
I touch on that a little in my blog post Momma Knows Best, But You Don’t Have To Listen To Her where you find out that I have now found the love of my life (I promise, this time it’s for real). But now it’s like where do we go from here?
So in order to move forth with that relationship (aka get married) he and I need to figure some things out first. Like… Do we want kids?
I mean I can barely take care of myself and my dog at the age of 25. And I can’t possibly know when OR if I’ll ever want children.
So WTF do I do?!
I could marry Kris (that’s the boyfriend’s name) tomorrow if we actually lived in the same state (that’s a whole ‘nother story), but before we even attempt to go down that road we HAVE to discuss this kid thing. So we did.
He’s a “probably not, don’t necessarily want to” kind of guy.
I’m an “I don’t think I want to, but how the hell could I know what I’ll want years from now”?
And I don’t.
I have absolutely no idea if I want children or not. I’m pretty sure (at least for now) that I don’t want kids. But I cannot look at someone with a straight face and say I’ll never have children. I just can’t.
But what gets me every time is that people outside of our immediate family ask when/if we’re going to have children. That’s an automatic, “I think you should have children” question.
Back up, yo!
Me choosing to have kids or not choosing, or hell not even knowing for sure what I want to do about kids is not your problem.
At the end of the day I’m choosing. I’m choosing what I want (or in this case, not knowing what I want).
With the help and understanding of Kris, his mom, and my sister, they have all made me realize what matters is that he and I are on the same page. No matter what that page is. If it makes sense to us, then that’s what it’ll be. If we choose to not have kids, then turn around in 10 years and have kids, then that’s what we’ll do.
Culture and the past way of doing things will not define me and how I live my life. I want what’s best for me and my significant other. I don’t want to try and please anyone else. I don’t want to do what everyone’s doing because that’s the way it’s always been done.
Have the bravery to speak up and decide for yourself what you want. Or hell, have the bravery to say, “You know what, no I don’t know what I want.” Don’t think you have to choose something because that’s how it’s supposed to happen.
March to your own drum and have a drink while you’re at it.